


If only I was brave enough

by travellinggiraffe



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 23:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9264728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/travellinggiraffe/pseuds/travellinggiraffe
Summary: A series of moments in the backstory of Bernie and Alex in the Army. I've uploaded the last 4 chapters all at once as I've been rubbish at uploading and wanted to get it finished.





	1. Coward

**Author's Note:**

> Bernie and Alex's backstory caught my imagination as soon as I saw them, and various people wanted stuff that happened before Bernie arrived at Holby. It starts the day Alex walks away.

A single tear streaked it way down her cheek leaving a wet trail in its wake. She spent about 90% of her life being tough, not letting emotion or fear in, but right now her composure was waning. Sitting in the back of a taxi on the way to a hotel, she had broken everything familiar she knew in civilian life, and it was proving much harder than she had expected.

Today she had worked with Alex. They had ended up working a trauma case together as Alex was the locum on call anaesthetist today. Not that Bernie had known that before coming face to face with her in scanning. It had reminded her of her former life in the army, the secret bubble her and Alex had lived in out in Kabul and all the feelings she had been desperately trying to suppress.

As she let herself into the reasonably sized hotel room it hit her. As she shut the door behind her, the tears began to fall. Big, fat, salty beads, running one after another down her cheeks, like someone had switched on a tap without giving her instructions on how to switch it off. She slid down, the now closed door, into a heap on the floor and sobbed. She rarely had time or the need to allow her own emotions in so the enormity of her reaction right now was overwhelming in itself. In the army emotions made you weak, they meant you lost your focus, your control and could put you or your comrades in danger. So she had learned over a period to switch them off, never showing them to anyone except her very closest confidantes or in complete privacy.

“Nothing makes any sense without you.” Alex had got that right. Nothing made any sense any more. She'd screwed everything up and now she was alone and confused. There were a torrent of thoughts and feelings running through her head but wasn’t sure how to deal with any of them. 

A person who lacks courage to face danger or difficulty, that was the definition of a coward. Not a word you would expect to describe a British Army Major. However, these past few weeks, in her personal life, Bernie had certainly been a coward. After being blown up by the IED and returned to Holby she had told Alex she wasn’t coming back to the Army, that there ‘bubble’ was over. It was easier for Bernie to take the cowards way out, to go back to Marcus than it was to admit she was actually in love with a woman. She’d managed to get some alone time in the locker room with Alex earlier in the day, they’d talked, shared a kiss, and the moment Alex’s lips touched hers the world felt like it had stopped, like everything made sense. But Dr Copland saw them and Bernie had been a coward. Again.

“Alex and I were lovers. Officially very much not allow, but we kept it absolutely secret. We were in this amazingly happy bubble, and then the IED hit and I was blown back to reality.” She admitted to Dom as they sat in the peace garden. It was the first time she had ever said that out loud, or to another person.  
As was always the case since she got back from Kabul her mind had wandered back into the bubble where life made sense, where she felt herself, where she was incredibly happy. The thoughts illicited a slight, coy, smile.  
“So Marcus doesn’t…” Dom queried before jumping to conclusions.  
“No, he doesn’t have a clue. Even though….all I’ve done since I got back is think of her. And how wonderful life would be if only I was brave enough.”

Picking herself off the floor she changed out of her clothes and into some clean pyjama's from her camouflage rucksack and flopped down on the bed. She picked up her phone to find 4 messages from Marcus that she had no intention of reading this evening but nothing from the one person, the only person she desperately wanted to talk to. She opened her contacts and hovered her finger over her name.  
‘Alex’  
But she didn’t quite have the courage to press call. What would she say anyway? She had already hurt the women more than she imagined possible and she couldn’t think of a single thing to say right now that which was going to fix any of that.

“Are you brave enough now?” Talking to Dom had made her see what she wanted, who she wanted.  
But her realisation had come too late. Her heart was broken into thousands of tiny shards as Alex walked away telling Bernie she needed to sort her life out and decide exactly what she really wanted. She wasn’t going to beg for her to stay though letting Alex’s hand go was the hardest thing ever. In fact, telling Marcus that she wanted a divorce when she got home had somehow felt much easier.

How different things would be right now If only I had been brave enough Bernie said in her head. She crawled into bed and lay staring at the ceiling.

Today had officially been crap.


	2. Meeting Bernie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Think the title kind of says it all.

“What have we got?” Bernie asked as some unfamiliar team members brought the latest casualty in. “Everyone quiet for handover please!””  
The immediate team suddenly went quiet at Bernie’s pretty abrupt instruction with only a low hum of machines and other personnel milling about in the background.  
“This is Corporal Jones. While out on foot patrol he has been caught in enemy fire. He has a shrapnel wound to his left calf and a penetrating wound to his right upper quadrant, query an internal bleed. He is tachycardiac, sats are 94% on air, BP is hovering just below 100 systolic. He has had 1 litre of normal saline and 10 mg morphine. He had various superficial scrapes and grazes but no other apparent injuries.”   
Alex had handed over in this kind of situation before but never in a tented room where 5 or 6 people were all hanging off her every word. This was her second tour of Afghanistan and she had been thrown in at the deep end this time. She only arrived 3 days ago and today she was already out on medical retrieval. She was intrigued by the doctor in charge though. Major Wolfe, not someone she had met up to now but whom she had heard various things about. Some of which were proving to be true already, although no-one had mentioned how attractive she was. Alex made a mental note to find out more about the Major but for now she was to go back out on duty.  
“Captain,” Bernie called after Alex as she left the medic centre.  
“Yes Major?”  
“Thank you for your concise handover. It is nice to have some fresh blood in the team. Maybe we can get to know more about each other at some point?”  
“Yes Major,” Alex replied suppressing a huge grin as she headed back to her land rover.  
“Right, where were we? Please can we have a primary survey please?” Bernie said in a raised voice as she returned to her patient.

“Mind if I join you Captain?” Bernie asked one evening in the base mess.  
“No, not at all,” Alex replied politely.  
“Correctly me if I am wrong, but I am assuming by the way you are handling things here that this isn’t you’re 1st tour?” Bernie asked after she’d sat down.  
“You would be right. This is my 2nd 6-month tour.”  
“How are you finding being back?” Bernie asked with genuine interest.  
“I’d forgotten certain things. The overpowering heat, the dust storms, but in generally it’s fine being back. It’s nice to be back doing what we are trained to do”  
“That’s certainly true. Makes all the hard work, study and time away from family almost worth it.”  
“You have a family at home?” Alex asked.  
“Yes, husband and 2 children,”   
“Wow, I’m not sure I could do that,” Alex remarked.  
“Do what?” Bernie was confused.  
“Be away from children and a partner for months at a time. That must be so hard. How old are your children if you don’t mind me asking?”  
“They are 20 and 16. But I have been in the Army their whole lives so they are used to me being away.”  
“Still must be hard,” Alex tailed off.  
“How about you? Do you have people at home missing you?” Bernie deflected the question.  
“No, never at home long enough to have time for that really. I came out of a 4-year relationship about 18 months ago and it’s just been me since then,” Alex explained.  
Alex wasn’t sure whether to tell Bernie about her sexuality. Although she wasn’t hiding it and everyone back home knew, Alex was aware that Bernie had been in the Army quite a bit longer than her. When Bernie joined the Army being out as homosexual would have been a dischargeable offence, and although the rules had changed not everyone’s attitudes had.  
“Fair enough,” Bernie replied not probing any further for now but she was intrigued by her new captain and anaesthetist.   
“You know the other thing I miss,” Alex piped up, “Drinkable coffee,” she said swilling a dark coloured liquid in a polystyrene cup in front of her that apparently was coffee.  
“Oh, you’ve found the motor oil equivalent then?” Bernie smiled.  
“Yeah, do you reckon the army got a special deal for it because it’s not actually being palatable?” Alex asked with a grin on her face.  
“Quite possibly,” Bernie agreed. “Shall I let you into a secret?”  
Alex ears pricked up and she leaned in to hear. “In my office in the medical centre I have a stash of proper, drinkable coffee. All you have to do is ask.”  
“You know what, I think I might love you right now!” Alex said with great excitement. “Thank you”.  
“Right, better head back to the medical centre, I’m on call tonight. See you next week?” Bernie asked.  
“Next week? Alex asked a little puzzled.  
“Not had chance to read your memo’s yet then?” Bernie noted. “From next week, you and I are officially members of the same team. You’re my new anaesthetist. So we’ll be spending a lot more time together.”  
“Ah,” Alex replied feeling embarrassed that she hadn’t kept up with her memo’s. “I will see you next week then. Hope you have a good night.”  
“Thanks,” Bernie replied getting up to dispose of her tray and head back to work.

As Alex lay in her bed later that night, all she could think about was Bernie. She might be a married woman but that didn’t stop Alex from contemplating how beautiful she was. And now they are working together, and will be spending so much time together, Alex was going to have to be careful. But it was certainly going to be a tortuous 6 months, working with someone who you already fancy the uniform off but know you can’t have.


	3. Shiraz?

“So how are things?” Serena enquired one evening as they sat in Albies with 2 large glasses of Shiraz.   
“Do you want the Army major rehearsed answer or the truth?”  
“How about the truth,” Serena replied “I see army major all day at work. You can pretend at being fine all you like at work but something tells me that that is not the whole story.”  
“I thought I was hiding it?” Bernie smiled sadly.  
“To the untrained eye yes. But I feel like I have got to know you fairly well since we started working together and I am beginning to realise there is a softer emotional side to you under that tough army exterior”

The only positive to come out of the whole sorry mess of Bernie’s current situation was her new friendship with Serena Campbell. The pair seemed to have a fair amount in common and Bernie was quite enjoying having someone to banter with again. To guide her through the strait jacket that is the NHS.

There was a pause. Bernie suddenly felt grateful that someone in the world was looking out for her. And it would be lovely to have someone to talk everything through with. But how honest could she be? How much did she dare open herself up? Because once she opened the can there was no getting the contents back in and Bernie was still trying to deal with how she felt about everything.   
As it happened Serena kind of opened the can for her.  
“The locum anaesthetist, Alex wasn’t it? Are they the reason you ended your marriage?”   
Bernie’s head shot up in shock. It hadn’t occurred to her that Serena had put the pieces together and worked out the truth. It also sounded weird coming from someone else.  
“Yes,” Bernie replied honestly after a pause. No point in lying. She had worked it all out anyway so if Serena was prepared to listen, then why not talk.   
“Were you in the Army together? How long have you 2 been together?”  
“Erm…. About a year. But not anymore,” Bernie replied sadly.  
“Oh?” Serena questioned.  
“I screwed up. I screwed everything up when I got back here and she ended it,” Bernie said so quietly that Serena only just heard her. Did she just say what I think she said Serena thought absorbing what she had just heard?  
“She?” she queried. Serena had never met Alex even though she knew she had done a locum shift in the hospital so Serena had foolishly assumed that Alex was a man.  
“Oh,” Bernie said with disbelief. How did Serena not know? And now she had just outed herself too. “Yes, Alex, female, left me because I screwed it up.”  
“But you’re married…..to a man?” Serena said stating the obvious.  
“I know,” Bernie acknowledged.  
“Well that makes things complicated. So does that mean you’re…” Serena trailed off not knowing what to say or how to label it.  
“I don’t know,” Bernie said quietly. That was the honest answer. She had no idea what it made her or who she was. All she knew was she was in love with Alex.  
“I don’t understand. She was here before you split with Marcus?” Serena asked. “I’m assuming he didn’t know?”  
“Alex and I were lovers in Kabul. I never intended for it to happen. I was married, technically I still am. I thought I was straight for Pete’s sake. She was, is, my best friend and then one night something changed. And we became more. The army don’t allow such relationships so we kept it completely secret. We had our own little bubble and we were so happy. Until the IED hit and I came crashing back into reality,” Bernie stopped looking down into her wine glass.

It was then clear to Serena that this Alex meant more to Bernie than she realised. And that coming back to Holby hadn’t been easy.  
“And ending up back here you mean?” Serena prompt.  
“Yeah. I had suddenly gone from being in this amazing, happy bubble with this person I loved to being back in Holby with my husband and my children and in a job I had taken to keep him happy. I felt completely trapped and out of place.”  
“Well as much as you might not like it here, I for one am very glad you’ve chosen to stay,” Serena smiled.  
“Thanks. I don’t hate it here, not any more. It’s just so different and I miss what I had. I miss the army, my colleagues….” There was a pause. “Alex. But in my foolishness to try and keep everything settled and through my own fear I managed to completely break her heart and if I’m honest my own. I ended my marriage because I realised I want to be with her.”

Bernie smiled sadly at Serena and then looked back at her wine glass. She poured the remaining wine into her mouth and placed the empty glass back on the table.  
“Another?” Serena asked. She was desperate to know more of this story. To know why Bernie had broken Alex’s heart and why she wasn’’t running after her but she knew it wasn’t really her place to ask. If Bernie wanted to share, she would. But one’s thing for sure Serena could see this Alex had got to Bernie’’s heart and boy was she in deep.

“I told her I wasn’t coming back to the army, to her, while I was in hospital,” Bernie began after a sip of her fresh glass of wine. “That instead I was staying in Holby with my husband and kids. I stupidly thought that as I was back in reality that I should go back to acting like I was too. Back to the man I married, who I don’t feel like I know any more and mother to kids have grown up without me much of the time. I was scared to admit the affect she had had on me and that maybe I could be that person outside of our bubble in Kabul” Bernie admitted without any prompting once the new round of drinks was in.  
“Oh, the trying to save the marriage card?” Serena asked.

“Kind of I guess. I think trying to save my marriage was just an excuse. I just felt like I had a sense of duty to try and fit into my life here. To try and be a wife and mother. To try and make things work. Because that seemed easier and less scary than the alternative. I loved Marcus once, but I’m sure the only reason we were still married is because we never actually spent any time together. We are completely different people from the ones we were when we got married and life has changed completely in 25 years,” Bernie admitted.   
“But she came to find you? Alex? Despite you ending it?” Serena enquired.  
“She did. And suddenly my world was thrown on its head yet again. Seeing her here in Holby, kissing her again made me realise how utterly stupid I’d been. But I was still too scared when she found me. And as a result she left me.”  
“What are you scared of?” Serena suddenly realising that the women in front of her had a human side. She had been in battle fields, seen the world’s most horrific injuries, been blown up and yet she was scared.  
“I went to Afghanistan as a married woman who thought she knew she was. Content in a marriage that plodded along between our careers and 2 kids who have grown up amongst their career focused parents. Then I met Alex while posted in Afghan and everything I thought I knew got turned on its head. But I was in environment where I felt safe, I knew my place, what was expected of me and my team. None of that had changed. I just had feelings for a female colleague. I could live in this bubble with Alex and not have to deal with anyone knowing anything different. I have spent more of my marriage in war zones separated from Marcus and my kids than I have in as part of a family. So much so that I actually don’t know what to do when I’d come back in civilian life for anything more than short periods. And suddenly I have been unexpectedly blown up and brought back to a life I don’t really know and I have to make myself fit.” Bernie sipped her wine.  
“Trying to make myself fit in here involved either breaking Alex’s heart and going back to my family and a man that I don’t love or potentially losing my family and my kids to be with her. And that’s before becoming the topic of gossip at work, before people find out you cheated on your husband, before they find out it was with a woman. So I went for the cowards way out, and broke Alex’s heart,” Bernie attempted to explain.

  
Serena wasn’t sure how to respond. She had never experienced the feelings Bernie spoke of and nor was she sure she understood them. Bernie was clearly in love with this woman, and though Serena could understand not wanting to be the subject of gossip and judgement she wasn’t sure why that was scary enough for Bernie give up. Who cares what other people think if you’re happy. But she realised she was judging Bernie too. So she didn’t let on what she was thinking.  
“Do you know what you want now?” Serena asked seeing the obvious doubt and slight fear in Bernie’s eyes.  
“Her,” Bernie said with complete certainty, “I want to be with Alex. That’s why after she worked that shift and walked away I went home and ended my marriage. I need to sort my life out so I can be with her,” Bernie said hopefully.


	4. Still just Alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had better put a warning that this might be triggering for some people. Nothing graphic but potentially upsetting.

Over time things between the women had obviously changed but it wasn’t a sudden thing. It was almost like they had slid into a very close friendship unintentionally but as a natural progression. As they weren’t a very big team they spent a lot of their time together. The whole team had all their quarters together, ate together, bunked down in the same part of the camp. Bernie found herself naturally spending more and more time with Alex. They spent virtually every shift working together so they naturally found debriefing and relaxing with each other at the end of the day easier too. Alex was funny, intelligent, fiercely competitive yet loyal and caring. They had just got closer and closer without really realising. Bernie now considered Alex one of, if not her only best friend, sharing more in depth things with each other, fears, weaknesses, stories from their pasts or their lives at home. Things she never shared with anyone before, not even Marcus. She felt as though she could tell Alex anything and she knew Alex felt the same of her.

“I need to talk to you,” Alex said in a fairly serious tone one afternoon as she entered the medical centre and approached Bernie.  
“Is everything okay?” Bernie asked with concern at Alex’s tone of voice.  
Alex didn’t reply, which worried Bernie even more.   
“I’m in the office, but don’t wish to be disturbed for a while,” Bernie said to her colleagues, getting up from the desk in the ward she was sat at to follow Alex.  
“Are you okay?” Bernie asked with genuine concern once she had closed the office door. Her and Alex had become best friends since they had been at the camp and her current behaviour wasn’t like the Alex Bernie knew, so she was really worried.  
“I don’t know,” Alex said honestly. She sat down on one of the plastic chairs in the office, playing with her fingers trying to avoid the inevitable conversation. The only plus side of all this was she really trusted Bernie, as a friend and as a colleague. So as she was having to have this conversation, she was glad it was with her.

She looked terrified Bernie noticed. And as she went to touch Alex’s hands she flinched away, clearly scared.  
“Hey, hey, it’s me. You’re safe now. No one can hurt you,” she reassured in a calm tone. Bernie then realised there were tears streaming down Alex’s face.   
“Hey, I’m here. You’re safe, I promise. You’re safe, it’s okay, everything will be okay,” Bernie continued to reassure her placing her hands over her friends. Suddenly her friend leap up and wrapped herself round her in a tight grip. She was now sobbing into Bernie’s shoulder and physically shaking out of fear as they stood in the middle of the office. Bernie held onto her friend tightly, gently rubbing her back and whispering reassurance in her ear in an attempt to calm her down.

“Are you hurt, unwell? Has something happened?” Bernie quizzed her.  
Alex nodded. Bernie’s heart felt like it had just skipped a beat. What an earth could have happened to her friend for her to be this scared  
“Alex you’re beginning to scare me. What’s going on?” Bernie could feel her heart beating harder in her chest in fear. “Please talk to me.”  
“I’m scared Bernie, scared of what they’ll do next,” Alex said as a tears still running down her cheek. Bernie pulled up another chair in the office and sat directly in front of Alex, putting her hands over the top of her friends in reassurance.  
“Tell me, tell me everything and we’ll sort it out. No one has the right to make my amazing, strong, best friend feel scared,” Bernie said.  
“So you know when I came back for a 2nd tour, there were some new soldiers, fresh recruits, who had never been out here before. I don’t think they had ever met a female soldier either if I’m honest,” Alex began. “Well they started off just being immature lads, the odd comment here and there which was a little lurid or inappropriate. I just ignored them. Assumed they’d man up and forget about it. But they haven’t. In fact the comments have got worse and more inappropriate, and this afternoon they tried to pin me down to a bed. I’m scared they were going to rape me Bernie”

Bernie sat there in complete horror. Had her friend and colleague just been sexually harassed and more than that, sexually assaulted by fellow serving soldiers? She was angry that someone felt it appropriate to treat fellow human beings like that, let alone her friend and colleague. And someone of a higher rank! How dare they!? Bernie was seething.   
  
“Will you let me look at you?” Bernie said gently to Alex hiding her anger well, “I want to make sure you’re physically okay.”  
Alex wouldn’t let go of Bernie, but she did let her examine her.   
“I have to ask Alex, they didn’t…..nothing more happened did it?” Bernie was bracing herself for the answer. Though she was praying for it to be no, she knew there was the possibility and she had to deal with that if it arose.  
Thankfully Alex shook her head. Bernie sat on the treatment bed beside Alex, Alex still gripping her hand. This was going to be a hard conversation. But she needed to be there for her friend, and needed to know as her boss.  
“What happened Alex?”  
There was a silent pause for quite sometime after Bernie asked the question. Alex wasn’t avoiding answering, she was just building up the courage to tell her.  
“I’m a strong, independent, soldier, I can defend myself, how did I let this happen?” Alex said sadly after a while. Clearly beating herself up for not protecting herself better. It broke Bernie’s heart to see her friend like this.  
“Look at me,” Bernie ordered. “Alex, look at me! Captain Dawson!” That’s when Alex finally looked up at her friend. “None of this is your fault. You are the strongest, most fearless and courageous person I know. If there was anything you could have done to protect yourself I know you would have. The people at fault are the people who did that to you.” Alex smiled at her friends kind words.   
“I need to know what they did?” Bernie asked, not really want to know what they’d done or wanting to make Alex relive it. But if anything was going to be done she had to know.  
“2 soldiers, Privates I think, they’d decided as I wasn’t playing up to their sexual comments that they would show me ‘what it’s like to be with a real man’ I think were there words.”  
Bernie shuddered at the thought of it. How dare they.   
“And I know you wouldn’t but you can’t think of anything you might have done to ‘set them off’ or ‘encouraged’ them?” Bernie had to ask.  
“I’m gay Bernie,“ Alex said in the quietest of voices, “I wouldn’t do anything to provoke them”. And suddenly the words the soldiers had spoken made sense. Maybe they had worked out her sexuality, making Bernie even more angry. They hadn’t just sexually assaulted her best friend but it was potentially motivated by homophobia.  
If Bernie was surprised or shocked at Alex’s revelation, she didn’t show it. But actually Bernie wasn’t really. Granted it was the first serving person she had met who was gay since the rules changed but to Bernie it changed nothing. Alex was still just Alex, amazing friend and brilliant anaesthetist. And she certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like this whoever or whatever she was.  
Bernie pulled Alex into a full, tight hug and for the first time she felt her friend relax. Alex felt the arms of her friend round her and she finally felt safe felt safe, protected. She was worried that Bernie would be horrified or angry about her sexuality as homosexuality wasn’t allowed in serving soldiers when Bernie joined, but she just brushed it off like someone saying they wore glasses. And for that Alex was eternally grateful.  
“Well they are going to feel the full force of Major Wolfe, that is for sure. I hope they realise what they have done because there is no way anyone especially a serving soldier gets away with doing this to anyone but especially not my best friend!” Bernie said with a clear element of anger in her voice.  
“Are you really going to go all Army major on them?” Alex clarified.  
“Dam right I am,” Bernie agreed.  
Alex chuckled and pulled her friend in for another reassuring hug. “Thank you,” she said gratefully.  
“Well what are friends for?” Bernie asked rhetorically and smiled.


	5. Could we?

Bernie sighed as pulled off her scrub hat and went to wash her hands post op. She braced herself against the sink and closed her eyes. It had been a very long day, that was far from over. She went back to the ward to assess the patient before sitting down at the desk to write up her post op notes.

Serena dropped a significant stack of what appeared to be one patients notes onto the top of the nurses station making Bernie jump.  
“Why are there never any bloody labels in notes when you really need them?” she moaned placing a full urine sample pot on the top of the notes she’d just abandoned.

* * *

 

“Oi!” Bernie let out as she ducked out of the way of a flying stapler.  
"I think it's stapler 1, Captain Dawson 0." Alex moaned.  
Bernie bent down and picked up the stapler which had landed in the gap between tent wall and groundsheet, and as a result was now liberally covered in sand.  
"And I think I'm supposed to send you for firearms training again..." she added, handing the stapler back to the blushing Captain, "assuming you were actually aiming at my head?" she asked, stepping fully into the tent.  
“I wasn’t, sorry Bern,” Alex apologised, her fingers lightly grazing Bernie’s arm.  
“It’s a good job we’re friends is all I can say,” Bernie teased.  
Alex looked at her in mock horror and then smiled. “It is.”  
“So what were you actually trying to do with the insubordinate stapler?”  
“I was trying to staple these post op notes together, as invariably if I don’t someone will have lose the vital page when we need to review them at a later date,” Alex moaned.  
“This is probably true,” Bernie agreed. “I should sit down and write my notes too really,”  
Alex turned round in her chair giving her a surprised look before pulling out the chair next to her. “I’m always up for company.”  
“Of course you are,” Bernie smiled.

The nurses in the medical centre had become used to the banter and knowing glances between Bernie and Alex. It brightened up the toughest of shifts and made people smile. Never had they seen 2 soldiers work together in quite such a seamless fashion. They supported each other so well, knew what the other one wanted or needed both in theatre and on the ward.  
Jo, one of the nurses watched them on the ward one evening when she had a quiet moment. They had finished in theatre and Bernie was sat at the desk finally getting some of the essential follow up paperwork and instructions written for the night staff. It was then Jo noticed Alex stood in the doorway to the left of where Bernie was sat. She was stood watching her, a small smile appearing on her face. Jo then looked back to Bernie who was clearly still oblivious she was being watched. It was then that a realisation hit Jo. Alex was looking at Bernie in a way friends didn’t look at friends. More in a way of someone who had feelings, of someone who was in love. Jo felt sorry for Alex all of a sudden. It wasn’t the first time two soldiers had developed feelings for each other during the line of duty. However this was different. Alex’s feelings may well be one sided because as far as Jo knew Major Wolf was married with children. But even she wasn’t you couldn’t be in a relationship with a soldier in your chain of command, RAMC or not.

Alex was suddenly aware she was being watched by Jo so she wandered over to where Bernie was concentrating.  
“Wow, you’re actually doing paperwork!” Alex teased instantly.  
“Oi! I do paperwork,” Bernie tried to protest. Alex raised her eyebrow demonstrating to Bernie that she didn’t believe her one bit.  
“Okay, so I don’t do as much paperwork as you,” Bernie conceded.  
“No! Because you get me to do it!” Alex fired back.  
“But you’re so good at it,” Bernie tried to reason.  
“Ha ha, nice try. You can do your own paperwork from now on,” Alex assured her, leading to a sigh from the Major.

“How do you two do it?” Jo asked as Alex came to stand beside her while writing instructions for a wounded artilleries pain relief..  
“Do what?” Alex asked no looking up from her page.  
“You and Major Wolfe, you are so in tune with each other. You’re banter and ease with each other is wonderful,” Jo explained.  
“Oh, we are just really good friends and we trust each other. I guess that’s what makes us at ease with each other,” Alex tried to explain.  
Jo watched her continue to write in the patients notes considering whether to say anything more.  
“You like her, don’t you?” Jo said quietly.  
“What?” Alex’s head shot up from her notes, staring intently at Jo. “I….She’s married and my senior officer of course I don’t like her like that!”  
“I saw you watching her before. The way you looked at her, that was not a look between two friends,” Jo said tentatively, knowing she had riled Alex. “I promise I won’t say anything. I wouldn’t dream of it. But if you like her that much, isn’t it worth seeing whether she has any feelings in return?”  
Alex’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Was this women, a nurse that worked with on a virtually daily basis giving her relationship advice. And not only that, she had worked out Alex’s sexuality and was suggesting that she should persue her feelings for her senior officer, who is a married woman and has two children. Alex was definitely surprised. But Jo didn’t say any more, she just took the notes Alex had just written and went off to action them.  
Alex looked back across at Bernie, who was now filing notes away. Alex couldn’t deny she was beautiful or that she most definitely had feelings for her. Feelings that were getting harder and harder to ignore. Alex wanted nothing more than to be able go into Bernie’s tent at the end of a long day, wrap her arms around Bernie’s neck and kiss her. Or at least that’s the dream she keeps having. But could she really act on these feelings? Surely Bernie didn’t feel the same way about her? They had had conversations about all sorts of things and Alex was aware that Bernie’s marriage wasn’t great. Problems in her marriage was not a reason for her to develop feelings for someone else, especially not another woman.  
But if nothing else Jo’s comment had brought it all back into Alex’s present thought process, which she had been desperately trying to avoid. It also made her realise she had to be more careful about watching Bernie.

* * *

“Ah ha!” Serena exclaimed waving a page of sticky labels with the patients details around, bringing Bernie back into the present moment.  
“You found some then?” Bernie smiled.  
“Yeah,” Serena agreed. “Bernie?” Bernie looked up from her paperwork she had briefly gone back to reading.  
“Are you going to use that stapler? Or just stroke it fondly like you’ve been doing for the last 5 minutes?”  
All Bernie could do was blush. “I’m going back into theatre,” she replied before heading off the ward and away from Serena, carefully leaving the stapler exactly where it was. She must be more careful about where she started thinking about Alex.

 

 


	6. Close friends

“Do you ever miss having someone to be really close with?” Alex piped up one night when the 2 of them were lying in their army issue camp beds beside each other.  
“Is this your way of saying you’re missing sex?” Bernie teased back.  
“NO!” Alex protested. “Well, kind of. But no I mean the other stuff. The being curled up with someone’s arms round you, chilling out watching a film, or listening to music. Just spending time together where it’s just the 2 of you and it’s like no one else in the world exists or matters?”  
After a short pause Bernie replied, “I guess. Though I’ve not had anything like that with Marcus for a long time. Probably since the our 2nd child was born 18 years ago.”  
“Please tell me it isn’t 18 years since you last had sex?”  
“Erm…..no” Bernie blushed.  
“Aww, have I embarrassed you now?” Alex teased.  
“No! And you said you weren’t talking about sex anyway!” Bernie fought back trying to pretend talking about her sex life wasn’t embarrassing. It wasn’t a topic she had ever really discussed with anyone and it somehow felt weird now Alex had brought it up. She actually didn’t remember the last time she had had sex with Marcus and on the rare occasions it did happen it always felt like it was out of a sense duty rather than fun or love but she wasn’t going to admit that to Alex at this point.

“Have you always known you were gay?” Bernie asked in an attempt to draw the conversation away from her.  
“Since I was about 15,” Alex replied. “While all my friends at school obsessed about the boys I was quietly preoccupied with a very pretty girl in my class.”  
“Did they know that?”  
“No, they were oblivious. But I have to admit I kind of liked it like that. There was no judgement. And when I finally came out, the people around me accepted me for who I was anyway,” Alex explained.  
“I knew people who were out at uni, but haven’t really met anyone since then. I was always with other couples, as that’s who Marcus and I would hang out with.”  
“I reckon everyone at some point questions who they are, or thinks what it would be like to be with someone of the same sex. Not in a serious way necessarily, just out of a slight curisoity,” Alex added slightly controversially, “Haven’t you ever thought about what it would be like to kiss another woman?”  
“Maybe, once or twice. But never seriously enough to want to try it!” Bernie admitted in slight shock, looking away from Alex.  
“Shame,” Alex said quietly.  
“Not got your eye on anyone at the moment then?” Bernie deflected again.  
“No,” Alex lied.

There was a pause in the conversation like both woman were considering their own lives. Alex let out a large sigh.  
“Big sigh,” Bernie commented looking across at her friend.  
“Sorry,” Alex said in an almost sad voice.  
“Don’t be sorry. What’s up?” Bernie asked.  
There was a long pause of silence. Alex really wanted to tell her friend what was going on, ask her what to do, how to go forward but it wasn’t that simple. You could hardly ask your best friend how to tell them you had fallen in love with them and wanted to be with them knowing they were married, and that any relationship was likely to get one or both of them thrown out of the army.  
“Talk to me?” Bernie almost pleaded, getting worried by the silence.  
“I can’t,” Alex said clamming up.  
“Why? We tell each other everything. I think we know more about each other than anyone else in the world. So what can be so awful that you can’t tell me now?” Bernie was more concerned than annoyed.  
There was a prolonged pause. Bernie looked at Alex. It wasn’t like Alex to keep something from her, especially something that was obviously troubling her.  
“You’re my best friend Alex. We’ve been through so much together. But I can’t help, I can’t understand unless you talk to me,” Bernie reassured her.  
“I can’t risk what we have. Our friendship, our working relationship. We couldn’t be out here working together. We’d get into so much trouble. And I’d miss you too much if one of us had to leave,” Alex tried to explain without giving away her secret but Bernie could tell she was avoiding whatever it is she was thinking.  
“Why would one of us have to leave?” Bernie asked suddenly scared. “You can’t ruin what we have. Ever. I care about you far too much to let anything ruin it. I promise.”  
“I want to tell you so much, I want to ask your advice, ask you what I should do, but it’s not that simple. Do you trust me?” Alex suddenly asked.  
“Of course!” Bernie replied instantly.  
Alex then suddenly got up and unzipped her sleeping bag. She got off her bed and then tugged it so it was up close to Bernie’s.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I miss being physically close to someone. Figured you wouldn’t mind as my best friend,” Alex explained as she curled up to Bernie, close enough to feel her body heat radiating with her own. “I will tell you what’s going on when the time is right. I promise. Right now though I figured I’d lie here with my best friend”  
And that night they lay curled up next to each other, in their own sleeping bags but close enough to be able to feel the warmth of the other person’s body next to them.  
Alex did miss sex but that wasn’t the point. She wanted to be physically close to Bernie for many reasons, mostly because she was completely besotted by her. But that was something she couldn’t let Bernie know, not yet.

* * *

 Bernie would have given anything to have that feeling tonight, to be curled up in her hotel room with Alex next to her. Close enough to feel her body heat, see her chest rising and falling as she slept, to feel at home. But instead she felt vulnerable, an unusual feeling for Bernie who usually was so in control of her situation and her world. She had walked away from 25 years of marriage in an attempt to prove to her lover that she was serious about being with her. She felt completely alone and unsure what to do next. War zones were brutal places to exist, that one no one would knowingly choose to be in. But it was a world Bernie could deal with, where she knew exactly what was required of her and she could just get on and do it. All Bernie could think about was how she’d screwed everything up since she had unexpectedly ended up home. It had never been her intention to hurt Alex. She was trying to do the right thing but all that had managed to do was hurt everyone involved. Deep down she’d known for a while she wanted to be with Alex. She’d known before she got blown up and it was all she'd thought about since she got repatriated back from Kabul. She just wanted to be curled up with Alex, stroking her hair, in their own little bubble. Life didn’t feel like it made any sense without Alex, Bernie just had to work out if she was strong enough to fight to get her back.


	7. Do you remember your first kiss?

“Do you remember your first kiss?” Fletch piped up while sat at the nursing station one evening shift.  
“What?” Raf asked nearly choking on his coffee.  
“Do you remember your first kiss?” Fletch asked again.  
“Why an earth are you asking that?” Serena was curious looking up from her notes.  
“Evie asked me the same question last night,” Fletch explained.  
“But she’s what, 12?” Bernie said in shock.  
“Anyone would think you didn’t have children,” Serena laughed. “I’m sure you’d be shocked if you asked Charlotte when she had her 1st kiss.”  
“And I swear it’s so much worse than it was when we were younger,” Fletch protested. “Like I’m certain I was a lot older than 12.”  
“Social media and the internet has a lot to answer for, I’d say,” Raf replied.  
“It certainly has,” Serena agreed.  
“What do you know about social media?” Fletch teased Serena .  
“If that’s your way of saying I’m old, it’s not appreciated. I know more than you think. I have learnt rather a lot since the introduction of a certain nephew into my life,” Serena conceded.  
“I can’t really comment. An internet connection was a rare thing in Afghanistan. I’m still old fashioned and write letters,” Bernie mumbled quietly.  
“Letter writing?!” Raf exclaimed in baffled amusement.  
“Yeah, don’t mock. When you’re in a desert for months on end they are you’re link to the outside world,” Bernie explained.  
“Fair enough,”

“So what did you tell Evie?” Serena asked intrigued to know how Fletch had dealt with the situation.  
“I told her I didn’t remember,” Fletch replied.  
“Don’t remember or didn’t want to tell her?” Raf teased.  
“I don’t remember. Not my very first kiss,” Fletch admitted.  
“Well it clearly made a great impression on you,” Serena commented.  
“Erm, no. But Evie didn’t believe me,” Fletch explained. “So I told her about my first kiss with her mum instead. And I told her that in the future she might not remember her first kiss, but she’ll remember the first kiss that mattered.”  
“Good advice,” Bernie said quietly.  
Serena looked at her with a slightly knowing look. She knew Bernie had had a new 1st kiss, with Alex, but she was also aware that she was probably internally questioning her ability as a mum, and all the things she missed out on.  
“So come on then, who remembers their first kiss?” Fletch prompted.  
“I remember mine,” Serena admitted. “I was 16 maybe 17 and it was awful. I’m pretty sure the guy was doing it as a dare, but he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. I didn’t even fancy him.”  
“Mine was at school, in the playground when I was 14. Her name was Nancy and she was in my form. I’d like her for ages and finally got up the courage to ask her to go out with me. Her response was to kiss me,” Raf smiled.   
“Ah to be so young and innocent again,” Serena laughed.

It was then that Fletch noticed that Bernie had gone very quiet and was zoned out staring out across the room.  
“Come on then Bernie, tell us about you’re first kiss,” Fletch piped up to bring her out of her daydream.  
“Which one?” Bernie asked.  
“Surely you can only have one first kiss?” Raf asked puzzled at Bernie’s response.  
“I’ve had 2 first kisses,” Bernie replied matter of factly. There was a time when she would have been too cowardly to tell anyone this, but she trusted her new colleagues and felt safe enough with them to share her story.  
“My very first kiss was with Marcus. We were 18 and in our first year at uni.”  
“Well we know the outcome of that,” Serena pointed out to which Bernie rolled her eyes.  
“But my 2nd first kiss was about 3 years ago, in my 40’s and it was completely perfect,” Bernie smiled.  
“I still don’t get how you can have 2 first kisses,” Fletch said  
“My 2nd first kiss was with a woman called Alex,” Bernie explained  
Raf and Fletch sat completely speechless for a moment. Bernie couldn’t decide whether they were shocked or that just wasn’t what they were expected but it was eerily quiet for a moment.   
“Oh come on chaps,” Serena urged. “It’s not that shocking, or unbelievable. It’s clearly not what you were expecting to hear but still.”  
“Which was better?” Fletch suddenly asked.  
“Fletch, that’s an unfair question!” Raf challenged.  
“Yeah, Fletch you can’t ask that. There won’t be a comparison, there at 2 completely times in her life,” Serena began defending Bernie.  
“Alex,” Bernie said without hesitation between the debate.  
Her 3 colleagues stopped there debate to look at her. “Alex was better, without a shadow of a doubt.”  
Fletch looked at her with a look of respect. He realised what a huge admission it was for Bernie to tell them any of this, so had great respect that he was trusted enough to be one of the people she told.  
“You tell young Evie, it doesn’t matter how old she is or who it is she kisses, male or female or alien for that matter, her first kiss will always be her first kiss but that she will know the first kiss that means something as that’s a kiss she will remember forever,” Bernie expressed her advice.  
“I will,” Fletch said with a smile, “I will tell her exactly that. Thank you.”  
The group dispersed as alarms and buzzers started going off, but Bernie felt proud. Proud that she had managed to make such a lovely group of friends in her new colleagues, and that she had been brave enough to share her story and even give out some parenting advice. Now there’s something she didn’t imagine she would manage these days.


	8. All the stars in the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter 1st when writing this story and it's definitely my favourite :)

It was one evening that their relationship changed. Bernie remembered it like it was 10 mins ago. She had wanted some fresh air in the compound. It was a clear night and the stars were out above them. The team were sat playing cards as they did most evenings to past the time before bed. Bernie excused herself from the next deal saying she was going outside for a bit. She sat on one of the benches, quite a way from the away from the artificial light and deeply inhaled the fresh air around her. It was warm outside though she had her jacket round her shoulders. She looked up and gazed at the stars. She had never seen so many anywhere else in the world and was completely in awe of them here.

Bernie had no idea how long she had been sat out there looking up at the enormous sky above her but she suddenly heard someone walking across towards her. She slowly lowered her head down to see who it was and smiled.  
“Just wanted to make sure you were okay”   
“I’m fine, thank you” Bernie replied honestly. “But I will never ever get tired of this view”.  
Alex sat down beside her, looking across at Bernie rather than up at the stars and said,  
“I can certainly see why,”  
Bernie then realised that Alex wasn’t looking at the stars like she was. She was looking directly at her. Bernie felt her stomach tie itself in knots. Had Alex just admitted something far more private and intimate than she was ever expecting? Or was she just reading too much into it? Bernie craned her neck to look back up at the stars hoping she was just getting tired and misreading things. But a few seconds later Bernie felt her best friend’s fingers slide gently over her own on the bench. She looked down at her hand and then up to look at Alex.   
“Alex?” Bernie questioned softly wanting to understand.  
“I’m sorry,” Alex said briskly pulling her hand away.  
“Don’t be,” Bernie said instantly reaching across and taking Alex’s hand back into her own.   
Alex looked back at Bernie. The look lasted longer than it perhaps should have done but Alex couldn’t draw her eyes away, she could sit staring at Bernie all day.

The penny slowly began to drop. Thoughts that had never been in Bernie’s conscious or on her radar started piecing themselves together. She became aware of what might be going on when the look from Alex lasted much longer than a look between friends normally would. Yet somehow it didn’t feel awkward. Something felt different about the way Alex was looking at her. She felt butterflies in her tummy, a feeling she had not felt in a long time. Up until that point Bernie had never considered nor had the thought crossed her mind of ever being attracted to a woman. But sat there in the compound under the stars looking at Alex, Bernie was beginning to see her in a completely different light. As something more than a friend and comrade. As a woman and a very, very pretty woman at that. The thought crossed Bernie’s mind of what it would be like to kiss another woman, what Alex’s lips would feel like, what being intimate with a woman would be like, with Alex? She was suddenly shocked at herself and tried to block the new thoughts from her mind. She was straight, she was married! She shouldn’t be having these kinds of thoughts. But she couldn’t stop herself.   
Bernie looked down into the space between them, her little finger brushing up against Alex’s tentatively.   
On feeling the briefest of movement from Bernie, Alex looked down to where Bernie’s hand was resting to make sure she hadn’t imagined the touch. She then slowly raised her sight back to Bernie’s eye line to try and read what she might be thinking. Whether she was imagining the connection she was feeling or whether there was a chance it was real. She was scared of screwing things up but looking at Bernie now things between them already felt different and there was an energy between them Alex hadn’t felt before. Something just felt right, so Alex lent across and placed her lips on Bernie’s.

Her lips were the softest Bernie had ever kissed. Nothing like she imagined to might be like but it was the best kiss she’d ever had full stop. She didn’t remember kissing Marcus ever being like this. Just the right amount of pressure, it was tender but with so much feeling that it felt like the world had stopped around them. The weirdest thing of all was it didn’t feel wrong. It felt completely natural and pretty amazing. Bernie might never have considered kissing a woman up to this point but she wasn’t sure she’d ever forget this.

Alex pulled away but was too scared to open her eyes in case Bernie slapped her or had got up and run away. But instead she felt a hand graze her cheek. Alex’s eye suddenly opened perhaps in disbelief and check it wasn’t a dream. But she wasn’t dreaming. Bernie’s hand was stroking her cheek and the next thing she knew their lips were locked in another amazing kiss. Eventually the need for air got them and they broke apart but not too far.  
“Wow,” Alex said in disbelief.  
“Yeah” Bernie replied not really knowing what else to say.  
Neither of them really knew what to say next so they just sat, hand in hand, staring up at the stars.


	9. We can't do this

“Alex, we can’t,” Bernie said pulling her hand away from her colleagues.  
“Can’t what?” Alex asked.  
“This, us, whatever this is, can’t happen,” Bernie stated.  
Alex felt like something had punched her in the chest, knocking all the air out of her. How could life have been so perfect last night and like this right now. She pushed her chair back, scraping it across the floor and got up. She looked at Bernie with a harsh look to make her away of how much it hurt.  
“You know it can’t, I’m married,” Bernie protested. She could see the hurt and annoyance in Alex’s eyes, which was the last thing she had wanted to cause.  
“It’s fine Bernie, if that’s what you want. But I know you,” was all Alex said before walking away.

Bernie sighed. She kept replaying the kiss in her head. A kiss that had blown her mind and changed her world, possibly forever. No one had ever kissed her like that, not even Marcus when they were in the early stages of their relationship. Surely she couldn’t be gay? She was just lonely, missing home, missing affection from someone and got caught up in the moment. That must be it. But it didn’t feel like just that and Bernie knew it. What she did know was it couldn’t happen again. She couldn’t cheat on Marcus and the Army would never allow them to be together. So it simply couldn’t happen.

The week was fairly busy. She and Alex dealt with a number of trauma cases, a couple of which required soldiers to be repatriated home. Bernie was trying so hard to pretend nothing had happened between them, to forget about the kiss and for things to be how they were. But every so often she would sneak a look when she thought Alex wasn’t watching. She couldn’t help it.   
“Major can I talk to you?” Alex asked after a case that had gone on late into the night.  
“Of course,” Bernie agreed.  
“In the office,” Alex indicated towards the office door, wanting some privacy.  
Bernie shut the door to her tiny office behind her, “What’s up?”  
Alex slinked up so she was standing in front of Bernie with a minimal gap between them. She reached up and touched the older woman’s cheek, tucking the hair behind her ear.  
“Alex,” Bernie warned, “Don’t.””  
“Why, no one can see us,” Alex pointed out.  
“You know why,” Bernie declared.  
“No, you said we can’t and that you were married,” Alex reminded her.   
“Exactly,” Bernie said not sounding vaguely convincing.  
“So then why do you keep staring at me when you think I’m not looking?” Alex asked.  
“I don’t,” Bernie defended.  
“You do! You might think I’m not looking but I’ve seen it. Someone who wants nothing else to happen, who thinks what has happened is a mistake, does not keep looking at that person at every opportunity.”  
Bernie shuffled from foot to foot. She couldn’t really deny her behaviour, especially as Alex had noticed her looking. She wasn’t going to lie to her.  
“This could end our careers Alex!” Bernie tried another tack.  
“Only if we let it,” Alex conceded.  
“You’re serious?” Bernie asked incredulously.  
“Tell me you felt nothing, that the kiss we shared the other night under the stars meant nothing, that Marcus makes you feel 100 times better and I’ll walk away and we’ll never mention it again.” Alex propositioned her. “But I know you Bernie. I know you felt the chemistry that was there, I can tell Marcus doesn’t make you feel the way that kiss did, that you can’t stop thinking about it. But tell me it’s nothing and I’ll walk away.”  
A knock on the door behind Bernie made them jump.  
“Major, we need you” said the voice on the side of the door.  
“Okay, I’m coming,” Bernie replied. “I have to go.”  
Alex sighed in sheer frustration, letting her friend loose from her grip to attend whatever it was she was needed for.

Alex was sat in one of the theatres writing up her notes of her latest case when Bernie found her at what was now the middle of the night. Bernie stood in the doorway just watching her at first. The concentration her face, her theatre hat still covering her hair, sat in her scrubs. Bernie was amazed at how beautiful she looked even after a long shift. Alex glanced up to see who was there but wanted to get her notes done so didn’t make a point of making conversation. Only when she had finished what she was doing did she look up to see Bernie still standing there.  
“What?” Alex asked, “You’ve stood there long enough.”  
“I’m sorry,” Bernie apologised entering the theatre to be nearer Alex.  
“No need. At least I know where I stand now. Time to move on. I’m sorry that I made you potentially risk your career for something you didn’t even want.”  
“Wait what?” Bernie said in surprise.  
“When we talked this earlier. You didn’t say anything, which was an answer in itself,”  
“You made assumptions?” Bernie raised her voice, almost angry at Alex,”Do you want the actual answer I was going to give you, rather the answer you have presumed because we were interrupted!”  
“Yes, you owe me that at least!” Alex retorted in a raised voice.  
“Marcus has never ever made me feel the way you made me feel that night. I keep replaying it over and over in my head. It’s all I can think about. Not once have I considered it a mistake. It was amazing, you’re amazing,” Bernie stated honestly. She knew that whatever happened between them could end her career in the army, both their careers, it essentially ended her marriage and could leave her with nothing. Yet she couldn’t think of anything else.   
Alex looked at her in almost stunned silence. She had convinced herself that Bernie not answering this morning was her answer and that it was over.   
“Have I actually rendered Captain Dawson speechless?” Bernie teased.  
Alex got up from her seat so she was facing Bernie. “Shh,” she said raising a finger up to Bernie’s lips in order to stop her talking.

Bernie stared into her friend’s eyes, and there it was again. That chemistry, that butterfly feeling she had before. She reached up and took Alex’s cheeks in her hands and planted her lips squarely on hers. Alex pushed her backwards so she was flat up against a wall and wrapped her hands round her neck. The kiss was frenzied and full of passion, it proved to Alex that she was right, that Bernie had felt it, that it wasn’t her imagination, and boy was she pleased she didn’t have to walk away. The war of tongues between them ended as the need for air become more urgent.   
“I’m scared Alex,” Bernie admitted when she had regained her breath.  
“Scared?” Alex clarified, resting her forehead on Bernie’s.  
“Of this. Of how I am feeling, feelings I have for you, about what it means, who it makes me. What if people find out? This could end our careers in the Army, destroy my kids and it definitely ends my marriage. So yes, I’m terrified.”  
Alex took her hands into her own, “I can completely understand how scary this must be. But I’m here, I’ll listen to you any time, you know that.”  
Bernie nodded. Despite being scared she couldn’t think of anything she wanted more right now.  
“Is this definitely what you want?” Alex asked delicately. “I don’t want to push you into something you’re not sure about. That wouldn’t be fair of me.”   
Bernie nodded, “I can’t think about anything else.”  
“Then we just go with it and see where it leads us,” Alex reassured her.   
Their lips were about to touch for a 2nd time when another member of staff entered the theatre. This was the cue the women needed to make themselves scarce. There was plenty to talk about to right now, this was enough.


	10. Alex!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by the conversation Bernie had with Arthur about losing a patient while worrying about a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't posted for a good few days on this so intending to post at least 2 chapters tonight :)

“Bernie!” Serena called across the ward as she assisted pushing a trolley in the direction of their theatre’s. “Trauma case for us. 31 year old female, victim of RTC, trapped in upturned car for 30 minutes, severe trauma to left leg and a penetrating wound to the abdomen.”  
“Straight to theatre,” Bernie instructed.

As Bernie entered theatre and saw the woman the table before her she froze and was instantly transported back to a time and place she never wanted to relive.

* * *

“What have we got?” Bernie asked as the retrieval entered the medical centre with their first case.

“Lieutenant Michaels, road side IED blew up his land rover. He has severe trauma to his legs,” the retrieval team explained as they wheeled in the man on a trolley.  
Bernie froze. It was like the world had stopped. Alex had been out on patrol today and was supposed to be travelling with Lieutenant Michaels. If he had such severe injuries then what about Alex? Where an earth was she?  
“Major?”  
“Yes, sorry, straight into theatre. Let’s see what damage has been done,” Bernie snapped out of her day dream, following the body into theatre.

Sliding down the wall in the scrub room, knees pulled up against her chest, Bernie pulled her patterned scrub cap off of her head and gripped her in her hand, resting her head in the other. The solider had died. He had bled so severely that Bernie hadn’t been able to save him. But she knew that it was down to her. She had been distracted in theatre, worrying about her friend and colleague, who had supposedly been travelling in the same convoy. A friend and colleague whom she did not know the fate of, but that she realised meant far more to her than she could have ever imagined. And as a result of her distraction Lieutenant Michaels had potentially lost his life. Bernie knew there was no guarantee that she would have been able to save him even if she had been at the top of her game but she knew that wasn’t what she had given in theatre today.

Bernie knew Alex was going out on patrol today to train new soldiers about retrievals of injuries colleagues, and the fact that Lieutenant Michaels had come back in the state he had, had made Bernie panic at how Alex was. They had agreed a few days ago to see whether the attraction they had for each other, the chemistry between them would lead anywhere, but since then they hadn’t really had any chance to spend time together. It had to be a secret, anything that happened between them had to be kept under wraps as it was certainly not approved of. But right now sat on the scrub room floor, with the prospect of her best friend having been killed by an IED, Bernie felt like her heart had been shattered into thousands of pieces. She felt a single tear make a path down her cheek and instantly swatted it away with her hand. She couldn’t let her team see any weakness, particularly about someone who was ‘officially’ just a colleague.

It was then the realisation hit Bernie. She was falling in love with Alex Dawson. She couldn’t imagine a life, secret or otherwise without her in it. The heartache she was feeling right now demonstrated that, but it had finally become clear to Bernie. She took a quick intake at breath as the realisation hit her with full force and broke her even more.  
“I’m falling in love with Alex,” Bernie whispered as if that somehow made it more real. She swallowed back her tears and closed her eyes, hoping and praying that she was still alive.

Peering in through the window of the door to the scrub room Alex could see Bernie slumped on the floor, scrub hat in her hand, and her had rested on her other looking defeated and exhausted. There was something about her that was slightly different though. Like she was slightly more fragile, or broken by something. She wanted nothing more than to sweep her up in her arms and hold Bernie tight . Protect her from all the tragedy and horror that they saw as part of their jobs on a daily basis. But she knew she couldn’t. They couldn’t be seen to be anything more than colleagues to the outside world so moments like this one were as close as they could get. Alex continued watching Bernie through the small, square window in the door thinking she could just stand the beautiful woman in front of her for hours. But instead knowing she needed to talk to her, to find out what was wrong.

“Bernie?” Alex said gently as she pushed open the scrub room door so as not to startle her colleague.  
Bernie’s head jerked up at the familiar voice saying her name. Alex was stood in front of her, holding the scrub room door open with a concerned looked on her face, but nothing more. She was completely unscathed from the incident involving lieutenant Michaels and Bernie suddenly felt angry and relieved and complete all at once.  
“You’re okay,” Bernie whispered.  
“Of course, why did you think I wasn’t?” Alex said as she crouched on the floor beside her.  
“I thought you were dead Alex! I thought I’d lost you, that the IED had got you too. I lost a patient on the table because I was so distracted and worried about you!” Bernie finally vented her anger at Alex, lightly punching her in the chest multiple times in frustration.  
“What are you talking about?” Alex asked, seeing the anger within Bernie but not understanding why she was so upset.  
“Lieutenant Michaels was brought in about 3 hours ago having been blown up in his vehicle by an IED. He had lost both his legs. But now he is dead because he bled out on my operating table while I was distracted thinking about whether you were still alive,” Bernie explained, still mad.  
The penny finally dropped with Alex as to why Bernie was so mad and a look of shock suddenly appeared on her face. Bernie thought she had injured in the explosion, that she was perhaps dead.  
“Oh Bernie,” Alex said slowly, sadly, only able to imagine how the last 3 hours must have felt for her friend and lover.  
“I thought you were dead,” Bernie said slowly, now calmer.  
“I’m so sorry. I should have let the medical centre know I was safe. I was so busy helping the other injured soldiers and it didn’t occur to me that you would be here to worry,” Alex admitted, feeling like she was giving a terrible excuse.  
“I can’t…. I…. I need,” Bernie stuttered, unable to put into words how she was feeling and what she really wanted to say. All she could feel was complete relief that her best friend and lover was alive. “Don’t ever do that to me again Alex. I can’t go through that again.”  
Alex reached out and slowly touched Bernie’s hand. She couldn’t promise that something like would never happen again. It was part of their job. It was dangerous and unpredictable. But she was no far more aware of how much Bernie cared about her and in future would make more effort to get a message back to her letting her know she was safe.

* * *

“Bernie?” Serena prompted looking at her colleague who was clearly off in a world of her own.

“Yes, sorry,” Bernie replied snapping back into the theatre she was currently in and remembering the lesson she had learnt that day. Remember the job in front of you.  
“Are you okay?” Serena sounded concerned.  
“Yes, she just reminds me of someone that’s all,” Bernie explained before approaching the table. “Scalpel please.”  
Serena looked down at the patient and then again at Bernie who was now fully focused on what she was doing. She might not have met Alex in person but she imagined that was who had once again distracted Bernie and made a note to ask her again later


	11. Stolen Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 of the evening. Because I'm feeling generous!

The surgery had been long but ultimately successful. Sitting down in her office had been welcome and when Fletch silently put a mug of coffee that was ‘just right’ by her elbow she’d looked up and spoke without thinking.

“I could kiss you….”

* * *

“Go on then…” Alex replied perched on the edge of the Majors desk, looking around to see if anyone was about, “no one’s here.”

After their first kiss they worked very hard at pretending nothing had changed. That they were still just close friends, colleagues, comrades but nothing more. It was only when they got alone time, where no one else was watching that they could slide from their act. No one really questioned the 2 of them being alone together as everyone else in the unit knew they were very good friends.

Bernie stood up from her chair so she was at the same level at her lover. She wrapped her arms around the younger medics neck and purposely looked behind them to reassure herself that there was no one around and that the door was closed. When she was satisfied she closed the gap between her and Alex closing her eyes as she did so to enjoy the sensation that kissing her brought. Though it was still very new to Bernie it also felt incredibly familiar. The way there lips moved, the way their bodies fitted up against each other, the way their hands explored and caressed each others skin, Bernie felt like she had died and gone to heaven.  
As they broke apart Bernie looked at her lover. “I could do this all day.”  
“So could I,” Alex replied, “But it’s not that simple.”  
“I know,”  
And just as Bernie leaned in to kiss her lover for a second time there was a knock at the office door.

* * *

 

“Sorry Bernie,” Fletch interrupted her thought process still hovering where he had placed the cup of coffee. “Would you come and look at Mr Karlsson.”  
“Of course,” Bernie replied with a sigh and wandered back out onto the ward.

Bernie wasn’t sure what it was about today but every time her mind got even a second free it would wander back to thinking about moments with Alex. She missed her more today than she had done in weeks. Juts as Bernie thought she was beginning to move on her mind had gone right back to where it wanted to be. With Alex.  
Bernie was checking results on the computer at the nurses station later in the shift when she noticed the couple opposite her. They were a young couple, maybe early twenties and clearly very much in love. The woman was sat on her partners bed, which technically prohibited, but Bernie wasn’t going to stop them. She was saying something to guy who was smiling and suddenly he punched her in the arm in a joking way.

* * *

 

“Oww,” she said when she realised who it was who had ‘kidnapped’ her, dragging her by the wrist behind a tent.  
“Sorry,” Alex said rubbing the offending wrist. “But I needed to see you.”  
“Hi,” Bernie smiled at her partner. “Aren’t you on duty with me this afternoon anyway? Couldn’t you have waited until then to ‘see me’?”  
“Nope, I couldn’t do this this afternoon,” Alex explained before capturing Bernie’s lips in her own. Bernie’s arms automatically went round the younger medics neck, playing with Alex’s hair in her fingers. She remained in this position once the kiss had finished not quite wanting to let go.  
“When was the last time anyone told you how beautiful you are?” Alex said tucking a stray hair back behind Bernie’s ear.  
Bernie blushed. It was certainly an incredibly long time since anyone had described her as beautiful, in fact she doesn’t knowingly remember Marcus saying it at all.  
“Erm,” Bernie replied still feeling like a tomato she was so red.  
“Well, Berenice Wolfe, you are beautiful. And I intend to remind you of the fact regularly until I can tell you without you blushing,” Alex declared with her wonderful smile.  
“Do you now,” Bernie teased.  
“I do,” Alex confirmed before kissing Bernie again. “Now,” she said as they broke apart, “Haven’t we got work to do, Major?”

———

“Everything alright Bernie?” Serena asked pulling her out of her daydream.  
“Yes, why?” Bernie asked.  
“You have a coy smile and you’ve gone a little red,” Serena noted.  
“Oh, that couple over there just reminded me of something, that’s all,” Bernie explained indicating to the loved up couple across from the nurses station.  
“What the loved up couple who look like they are joined at the hip? Please don’t tell me you’re into all that soppy stuff?” Serena asked looking a little shocked.  
“No!” Bernie defended instantly. “They just remind me of happier times,” Bernie conceded.  
“Alex?” Serena queried, knowing that Bernie had been thinking of her a lot recently. Bernie nodded in response.  
“I just want to be happy again,” Bernie said sadly, going back to looking at the computer.  
“I know.”


	12. Tea?

“Tea?” Serena asked handing her a piping hot mug of brown liquid.  
“Thanks,” Bernie said gratefully.  
“It’s been a manic day today,” Serena commented. “You’d have thought the heat would have deterred them.”  
“Apparently not,” Bernie replied taking a sip out of her mug.  
The taste of the tea in the heat had taken Bernie right back to Afghanistan.

* * *

 

She was sat on the bonnet of the land rover at their base in Kabul. She had been in the medical centre all day, but it hadn’t been as frantic as it sometimes was. Now as she was enjoying some downtime before bed, it was slowly beginning to cool down as the sun was setting on the horizon so she was reluctant to go inside. She had been sat there a while nursing a cup of tea, that was almost certainly cold, but she hadn’t really noticed. She was staring out into the distance with a combination of exhaustion and her thoughts.  
“Penny for them?” Alex asked approaching the land rover. Bernie didn’t even hear her at first but she then suddenly jotted her head up to see who had spoken.  
“Hey?” Bernie snapped out of her daydream. “Sorry, I’m just watching the world go by I guess. But it is finally cooling down out here and the sunset is rather captivating,” Bernie explained. Alex climbed up onto the bonnet to sit beside her. She peered into the mug to see what Bernie was drinking.  
“What is that?” She asked looking in disgust at the contents.  
“It was tea,” Bernie admitted. “But I’ve had it for a while. The mug isn’t even warm any more. Just sweaty.”  
“Oh, just lovely,” Alex retorted.  
“Well you know me,” Bernie smiled. Alex looked at her with mock shock before smiling too.

Bernie peeled her hand off her mug and, despite it being sweaty, entangled her fingers with Alex’s periodically rubbing her thumb across her hand. The two women sat there for quite a long time in a comfortable silence. After a while Alex untangled her fingers and took the mug from Bernie hands and placing it behind them on the land rover before wrapping her arm around Bernie’s shoulder. Bernie then rested her head on Alex’s shoulder, and felt completely safe and relaxed. Being with Alex sometimes didn’t feel real. It was like a dream. That she could feel such deep feelings for someone who so clearly felt them back. She felt tingly wherever Alex was close, and she got butterflies, feelings she never remembers having with Marcus.  
“I love you,” Alex said all of a sudden out of the silence.  
Bernie’s head shot up from Alex’s shoulder to look Alex directly in the eyes.  
“I’m not expecting you to say it back. I know this is a big thing for you and it’s all new. But I needed you to know how I feel. How I’ve felt for a long time.”  
Bernie smiled. There was a pause as she processed the information. “How long?” she suddenly asked.  
“Not what I was expecting you to say,” Alex replied in confusion. “Why do you ask?”  
“That first night we slept together. Do you remember?” Bernie asked. “That night we were curled up next to each other but in our own sleeping bags. There was something you wouldn’t tell me. You said you couldn’t.” Alex nodded.  
Bernie was finally beginning to put the pieces together. “Was that what you were thinking about? What you couldn’t tell me?”  
“Yes,” Alex replied simply. “I have loved you for a long time. I wanted so much to tell you, to ask you as my best friend whether to pursue it, what I should do. But I obviously couldn’t. You can hardly ask your best friend how to tell them that you’ve fallen in love with them? That you’ve fallen in love with them despite them being straight and being married”  
“No, it might have been a weird conversation, that one,” Bernie conceded with a grin.  
“I didn’t want to risk our friendship. I never imagined anything would happen. I knew it had to be you to work out whether you had any feelings for me, and how you felt about it, whether you wanted anything to happen. I couldn’t influence that, it wouldn’t have been fair for you to feel pressured, it could have got me dismissed from the army, so I kept quiet.”  
Bernie smiled taking Alex’s hands in her own. She wanted nothing more than to kiss her but she knew she couldn’t out here. Instead she smiled and learnt across to whisper something in Alex’s ear.

* * *

 

“Was it something I said?” Serena asked snapping Bernie back into the present.  
“Sort of. The cup of tea and the heat remind me of the Army and of being back in Kabul,” Bernie smiled.  
“Judging by the look on your face they weren’t the grim and gory memories either. Do tell!!,” Serena requested, intrigued.

  
Just at that moment the red phone rang making both the women jump.  
“Holby city, trauma unit,” Bernie answered the phone and they were both back into work mode.


	13. Playing cards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might get as far as posting the final few chapters of this tonight. Had intentions of posting it every couple of days but life got in way.

It was 2am. Bernie and Alex had resorted to playing cards in one of the operating theatres in the medical centre. They were on call but as yet no trauma cases had come in so they were sitting it out.  
“I’m sure there is probably admin I should be doing, or paperwork or stock takes I should be doing,” Bernie commented as she dealt out another hand.  
“Possibly but it’s not going anywhere,” Alex pointed out.  
“True,”  
“Do you think tonight is going to get any more exciting?” Alex asked, clearly trying to decide if she needed another cup of coffee.  
“You realise you’ve jinxed it now?” Bernie teased.  
“Well as much as I love playing cards with you, a trauma would be more exciting.”  
“I know.”  
“I can think of other things we could be doing too,” Alex said in a vaguely suggestive manner.  
“Captain Dawson,” Bernie said in a shocked tone.  
“What?” Alex said innocently.  
“Come on then. What other things could we be doing?” Bernie probed.  
“It’s a bit delicate,” Alex admitted.  
“Since when has that ever stopped you?” Alex leaned over in an attempt to swat Bernie but she moved away too quickly.  
“What would you say if I said all I can think about is sleeping with you?” Alex ask slightly bluntly.  
“You do miss sex! I knew it,” Bernie teased.

Alex went to swat Bernie again but instead Bernie grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer so their bodies were facing each other and virtually touching. Alex looked at Bernie and reached up to stroke the hair away from her face, her hand lingering on her cheek.  
“Until you kissed me, no the thought had never entered my head,” Bernie conceded replying to Alex’s comment more seriously.  
“Not even as a curiosity when you were younger?”   
“Not even when I was younger. I had always been, made I guess, to believe that woman just slept with men and I never questioned it. Even though it didn’t seem like the earth shattering thing my friends had described.”  
“And now?” Alex wasn’t sure what the answer would be and whether she was pushing things to far but the thought had been buzzing round in her head for days.  
“Now, I wish we were alone……” Bernie trailed off leaning in to kiss her.

* * *

 

Bernie woke up with a start. She felt her heart pounding in her chest. It took her eyes to adjust to the darkest of the room and for her to remember where she was. She looked across at the other side of the bed. Empty, just as she knew it would be but after the dream she’d just woken up from she had to be certain. Reaching over for her phone and pressing the button that woke the screen, Bernie sighed. Staring back at her was a picture of her and Alex and the time. 03.15. Ugh Bernie sighed. Was that all? There wasn’t much chance of her getting back to sleep now. She lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, running her hands through her undoubtedly messy hair, trying to regain control of her breathing. It was a weird thing. She never ever had dreams about sex with Marcus. Yet here she was for the 3rd time in just over a week, having dreamed about sex with Alex. And my goodness they were good dreams, to the point where right now Bernie was very aware of a warm wet patch between her legs and a level of arousal that definitely needed some attention. Her hand slowly wove its way inside her pyjamas, landing first at her breast, teasing her nipples before slowly tracking its way lower. At the band of her pyjama bottoms, her hand expertly tucked its way underneath both the trousers and the cotton pants she was wearing beneath. Her fingers tangled with her mass of hair before quickly feeling a slick wetness surround them. A moan escaped Bernie’s lips as she slipped into a world of pleasure and thoughts of Alex.

Their relationship had to remain a total secret while they were in the Army. Though being openly gay or lesbian was now accepted in the Army, being in a relationship with a member of your chain of command was still very much not allowed. And Bernie was married so cheating was considered dishonourable behaviour on her part and Alex could be accused of coercion for encouraging Bernie to be something other than hetrosexual. So it had to remain a secret for both of their benefits. Bernie had never really thought about it while they were out in Kabul but now she was back in Holby and trying to understand this new part to her life she realised how much she had valued the secrecy. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of who she was or what she and Alex had had, but she had enjoyed the secrecy to get her head round what they were, who they were and her newly found feelings, before having to deal with the judgement of the outside world. Despite their obvious feelings for each other, they worked very hard to keep their relationship a secret. It wasn’t overly hard as they were very close friends in the team anyway and spent a lot of their working day together so they got away with more than other people perhaps would. There was even the odd occasion where they had gotten awake with sharing a bunk and even sleeping together without anyone knowing anything. Lying in the dark, alone back in Holby having screwed everything up, Bernie wondered what she was scared of? Why was she found it so hard to get her head round this new part of herself? Why she couldn’t brush off the judgements of the outside world and just be true to herself, to the person she loves? Alex loved her, and she loved Alex, so why couldn’t she just let herself be happy?


	14. Simple gestures

It had been a long hot day. Bernie and Alex had been called to an injured soldier on the side of the road, who had been blown up. He had nasty chest injuries from the impact and an abdominal bleed. They had had no choice but to operate on the side of the road to make him stable enough to transport. The solider was still alive and on his way back to the UK for further life-saving surgery. However, Bernie felt physically and emotionally drained. Once back at the compound Bernie sat herself down on one of the wooden logs they’d sit round a fire on. She knew she should go and have a shower but right now she couldn’t find the energy to move. She was mentally running through the case and reflecting on whether she could do anything differently when Alex sat down beside her.   
“I think maybe we should go inside. You need a shower and to go to bed before you fall asleep sitting her,” Alex concluded staring at her colleague and lover.  
“Hmm, tempting,” Bernie replied in a very tired sounding voice resting her head on her lovers shoulder.  
“Come on you!” Alex peeled Bernie off her shoulder and encouraged the older women to her feet. Alex could see how exhausted Bernie was and that a shower was potentially a step to far for the energy she had left. But both of them were sweaty and dusty and couldn’t go to bed like that, so Alex guided them inside.  
Stood in their small room with 2 beds against the longer walls, Bernie stood in front of Alex. All she wanted to do was crash out asleep but she felt disgusting and knew a shower was needed. Alex disappeared into the bathroom only to reappear with a bowl, a towel over her arm, and Bernie’s toilet bag. She placed the items on the bed closest to her, moved so she was stood directly in front of Bernie and began to peel her Khaki green t-shirt off.  
“If this is some foreplay technique, I’m too tired,” Bernie replied.  
“No it’s not. You’ll see, and you’ll be clean and in bed before you know it,” Alex smiled.  
Bernie conceded, too tired to argue. She lifted her arms above her head and let Alex pull of her smelly t-shirt to reveal a plain black bra. Alex undid her big army boots were undone and she went to pull her feet out of them but paused.  
“Are you sure you want to be down there when I pull these off? By how they feel they are going to stink,” Bernie warned referring to her feet.  
“Just get them off,” Alex replied in a teasing voice.  
She slowly lifted each foot out of the boot and let Alex pull her socks off. The fresh air round her feet had never felt so good. Alex stood up and looked at Bernie who then felt the button of her trousers being undone and them sliding to the floor. She stepped out of them and kicked them out of the way.  
Although the exercise had a very practical purpose and Alex wanted to help her lover, the sight of her standing in front of her in her underwear was still a beautiful sight. She squirted a splodge of shower gel into the steaming water beside them and then submerged a flannel.  
As she gently ran the flannel over Bernie’s skin, starting with her face, Bernie let out a sigh. Whatever Alex had put in the water smelled amazing and the feel of the warm damp cloth against her skin was blissful. She felt her whole body relax as the grime, sand and sweat was softly and gradually removed from her skin. Despite her exhaustion it was the most sensual thing anyone had ever done for her or that she had done with another person. As Alex finished a section of her body she would towel it so it was dry, even though there wasn’t really a need to. Once she was completely washed and dried Alex helped Bernie into a pair of pyjamas. Bernie sat on the edge of her bed just enjoying the clean, relaxed feeling she currently felt.  
Alex ferreted around in her rucksack pulling out her pyjamas and heading into the bathroom. On her return she found Bernie curled up in bed, “I assumed you’d be asleep.”  
“Will you lie with me?” Bernie asked quietly.  
Alex smiled, she didn’t need to say anything. She walked across to Bernie’s small single bed and lay down beside her lover. She lay with her back to Bernie and allowed Bernie to put her arms round her.   
They lay there for a few minutes just enjoying the feeling of the other against them. Just as Alex though Bernie had fallen asleep she heard a quiet voice.  
“I love you Alex.”  
Alex was stunned into silence. Had she heard her right? Was she dreaming? Had the women, her best friend, who she was besotted with, just admitted having the same feelings in return. Though she had hoped and wished one day that Bernie might feel the same as she did she never quite imagined it happening. So she was now cautious of what she was hearing.  
“Really?”  
“Yes,” Bernie confirmed.  
Alex smiled and pulled Bernie’s arms round her closer. Within a few minutes, with no more words needing to be spoken, the 2 women were asleep curled up in each other’s arms.


	15. Are we really alone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is probably a strong T or M rated. So if you're not into that stuff you may want to pass.

They were lying in bed together. This on it’s own wasn’t a new thing, they had done it quite a few times both before and since they had become a couple. But this somehow felt different. Alex was lying on her side so she faced Bernie. They were both wearing green army issue T-shirts and pyjama bottoms, shorts in Bernie’s case. Alex was taking advantage of the fact that Bernie’s top had ridden up slightly creating a gap between the shorts and her top, allowing Alex to draw patterns on Bernie’s pale skin at her hip.

They were alone in their tent, something that certainly was new. They usually shared their tent with 2 other medics, who tonight happened both to be on night duties. Though lying in bed together wasn’t new, having the tent to themselves with no risk of being interrupted was. Though they had been “together” for a few weeks what this actually meant in reality was a series of stolen moments, secret meetings and trying best they could to get any time together without raising suspicion.

Bernie looked across at Alex who was staring out into the distance, despite tracing patterns on her hip. This gave Bernie the perfect opportunity to catch her unawares. She leaned herself up on one elbow and leaned across planting her lips on those of her girlfriend. This instantly jogged Alex from her daydream, with a degree of shock at finding her girlfriends lips on her own, she responded with her own lips. Before long there was a tongue running it’s way along her bottom lip in a way of requesting entrance, which Alex was more than happy to comply with. As their tongues began an increasingly familiar dance, Alex pushed Bernie back onto her back, covering the top half of her body with her own. She broke the kiss and began kissing along Bernie’s jaw and down her neck. Her fingers hand wandered from Bernie’s hair down to the hem of her shirt and were now working their way back up underneath. Bernie sighed at the sensations, which felt truly amazing. Another moan was elicited from Bernie as Alex reached her destination and squeezed one of Bernie’s breast.  
“Shh,” Alex whispered ceasing what she was doing.  
It was then that Bernie remembered where she was, who she was. She bit her lip and blushed slightly with embarrassment that someone might have heard her moans of pleasure. They had to be discreet after all. Alex noticed Bernie’s reaction to her whisper and smiled. She placed a kiss on her cheek, which wandered it’s way round to being a much more passionate kiss on the lips. Though Alex was enjoying what they were doing, and it was the most prolonged time and passion they had had since they became a ‘thing’, she of course wanted more. She had done for a long time. In fact she the day she set eyes on her new Major. She remembered thinking on multiple ocassions that it was a good thing that no one else could see or be aware of her dreams, or she would have been in so much trouble by now. She assumed when she met Bernie that any feelings or fantasies about what she imagined happening between them would be just that. Fantasies. Things had obviously changed since then, but Alex would never want Bernie to think she was being pressured or pushed into something she wasn’t ready for or didn’t actually want. Alex wasn’t entirely sure whether Bernie wanted more than what they were doing now, and if she did whether she was ready for anything more. It was all very new feelings for Bernie’s and she didn’t want to assume too much. It wasn’t exactly a topic of conversation that was easily brought up, but Alex knew Bernie well enough to know that if or when she was ready she would let Alex know in a way she would understand.

This however didn’t stop Alex from testing the waters. She knew if Bernie wasn’t ready she would let her know, but she also knew that she might need to lead in order for things to progress, that Bernie might be too cautious or not know where to go next. Alex gently clutched the hem of Bernie’s green t-shirt and slowly began to drag it up her torso, waiting and watching for Bernie’s reaction. Bernie froze for a split second like she was considering what was happening before breaking from their kiss and lifting her arms above her head, implicitly giving Alex permission to continue. Under her shirt, Bernie was still wearing a plain black bra. Alex loved the way it contrasted with the pale skin of her abdomen and was completely in awe this woman below her was underneath her army facade. This process continued until they were both lying in bed wearing nothing more than underwear.  
Bernie had never felt anything quite like it. Here she was lying in bed in her underwear, yet it certainly wasn’t the 1st time she had had sex. She had 2 beautiful children at home that proved that. Granted it had been quite a long time since she had had any sex but Alex didn’t need to know that. The feelings she had right now were something completely different. Marcus had never made her feel this amazing in the whole 24 years they had been married. Bernie felt like all her nerve ending’s were on high alert. There was a sense of anticipation and excitement about what might happen next but also a sense of apprehension too. Bernie wanted Alex so much right in that moment and judging by her bodies reaction, it did too. But Bernie was a little worried that she wouldn’t know what to do to reciprocate Alex’s affections. She was aware that she certainly wasn’t Alex’s first and she was worried that Alex would be left disappointed. It was like being a teenager and a virgin all over again. Not a feeling Bernie had ever thought she would feel again and certainly not in her 40’s.  
“Are we really doing this?” Bernie asked as Alex nipped tiny kisses across her chest.  
Alex stopped and looked up more seriously at Bernie for a moment. “Only if it’s what you want. We can stop?”  
Bernie took one of Alex’s hands gently in her own and guided it slowly down her front grazing her breasts, before it reached the top of her pants. She bit her lip again in slight anticipation and nerves before guiding Alex’s hand down into her pants and between her legs.  
“Feel that?” Bernie asked as Alex felt the wetness on her hand. “I think that gives you you’re answer.” It was the hottest thing Alex had ever had anyone do. Man this woman is amazing she thought.

* * *

Bernie had needn't have been worried. They lay, limbs tangled up amongst the sheet that had been covering them, sweaty and completely satisfied.

“That was…” Alex started trying to find the right adjective.  
“Amazing,” Bernie said quietly.  
“Yes, amazing,” Alex agreed.  
“Was I…. Did you….was it?” Bernie began not entirely sure how to ask the question but hoping Alex would understand what she was getting at.  
“You’re seriously asking me that?” Alex propped herself up on her elbow so she was facing Bernie. Bernie now felt silly for her question.  
“No one has made me feeling like that in an incredibly long time,” Alex replied honestly before bending down to kiss Bernie.  
Bernie pushed Alex onto her back before shuffling over so she could lay her head on her shoulder. She could hear Alex’s heart beating beneath her ear and smiled.


	16. Go after her

“So,” Serena began. “How are things with you and Alex?”  
Bernie nearly choked on the sip of coffee she had just taken as they sat on the bench outside the main entrance to the hospital.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Come on Bernie, you can’t deny it, you’re besotted with her. Your face lights up every time someone mentions her name. I’m still amazed you haven’t gone after her yet,” Serena explained.  
“I can’t,” Bernie protested.  
“Why not?” Serena asked really not understanding Bernie’s logic.  
“I…. I….. I can’t explain it,” Bernie admitted. Though she knew what she wanted now, she wasn’t sure it would be enough. She had broken Alex’s heart on more than one occasion. How could she expect Alex to forgive her or even want to build a future with her?  
Serena looks at her friend. She is clearly struggling with the whole thing.  
“Well I’m always here if you need a chat,” Serena offers.  
“I appreciate that,” Bernie smiles.

* * *

 

A knock at her flat door startles Bernie. She wasn’t expecting anyone and it was after 8pm. She peels herself off her sofa and plods over to the door. The person standing on the other side was not someone she was expecting to see.  
“Cameron?” she said with surprise.  
“Hi Mum,” he smiled.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“Are you going to invite me in?”  
“Yes, sorry,” she says stepping aside to let him in.

“How are things?” Cameron asks as he perches on the edge of his mum’s couch and stares around at the virtually empty room.  
“They are fine,” Bernie lied.  
Cam pulled a face to demonstrate he knew she wasn’t being truthful.  
“Okay, so they aren’t great,” Bernie admitted. “But you’re going to tell me I brought it upon myself and I know.”  
“I wasn’t going to say that, but yes,” Cam admitted.  
Bernie looked sadly at the floor. “I’m sorry Cam, for everything.”  
“How’s Alex?” Cameron enquired. “She’s the reason you left Dad isn’t she?”  
Bernie’s gaze shot up to look at her son. “What?….How did you….? I don’t….” Bernie rambled.  
“Mum,” Cameron soothed placing his hand over hers, “It’s okay.”  
“How did you?” Bernie began.  
“That day she came to the house, the way she looked at you, the way you looked at her. I had never seen you look at Dad like that, ever. She was different,” Cam explained.  
“We were friends,” Bernie tried to explain.  
“But you’d fallen in love with each other, hadn’t you?” Cam asked. Bernie just nodded in reply but Cam noticed the sparkle returning to her eyes.  
“In that moment I could see she made you happier than I had ever seen you with Dad. No one else noticed but it was so nice to see you happy,” Cam noted.  
“She left me,” Bernie said abruptly.  
“What?” Cam said incredulously.  
“She left me. I was scared, I was a coward, I couldn’t deal with everyone else’s judgements of the situation, my own judgements of myself, I broke her heart, more than once and she left me. She told me to figure out what I wanted and walked away.”  
“What are you scared of? Why didn’t you go after her?” Cam questioned.  
“I was scared of people’s reactions, of who it made me, that it was just a longing to be close to someone in a war zone. I was scared of hurting you and Charlotte, of getting too close and being hurt myself. But I did that anyway.”  
“And now?”  
“Now, well there’s a very good question,” Bernie said. She knew she didn’t have a decent enough answer. She couldn’t explain it, and if she couldn’t explain it then she wasn’t ready to go after Alex.  
“Mum?” Cameron knew she was holding out on him. He might not have agreed with some of the choices she made or how she had dealt with things but he desperately wanted to see his Mum happy.  
“I miss her. More than I can physically explain. Life doesn’t make sense without her. But I don’t know I can deal with everyone knowing, knowing that I cheated, knowing that I am now in love with a woman. And what if I screw it up again?” Bernie attempted to make sense of thoughts whizzing around in her head.  
“You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, you just have to commit yourself to her and not run away if people find out or things get hard. You have a sparkle in your eyes when you talk about her, I can see you are miserable here without her, you said yourself you miss her. Surely you’ve answered your own question? Allow yourself to be happy and be with whoever it is. Man, woman, alien for all anyone else cares. Go after her Mum,” Cameron encourages.  
“You think?” Bernie half smiles.  
“You’re more in love with her than you ever were with Dad. That’s why you’re scared isn’t it? Because it matters if it doesn’t work. But what if it does? Just think how wonderful life could be?”  
Bernie smiled. How wonderful life could be if only I was brave enough, she thought.  
“Yes, go and find Alex, Mum,”  
Bernie leaned over and wrapped her arms around her son. She might not have been around for a lot of his childhood but he had turned out to be a wonderful, wise young man.  
“Thank you,” she whispered.

* * *

 

Bernie read the email again. It was an invite to a formal Army event to celebrate the retirement of an old colleague. She opened the list of people the email had been sent to and discovered Alex’s name. Maybe this was it? The excuse, no the occasion she needed to go and find Alex, to tell her how she feels, show her that she’s changed and that she is all Bernie wants. She replied to the email to confirm her attendance and smiled. She was ready. Now all she had to hope was that she hadn’t blown it.


	17. The stars are brighter in Kabul

Bernie literally had no idea where to start. She had spent the last 6 months battling for this women but now she had the opportunity to actually speak to her in person Bernie was lost. The last time she had seen Alex her whole world was completely different and felt like it had just completely shattered as Alex walked away.

“Bernie,” Alex said with a hint of surprise in her voice. It was clear the younger medic was not expecting to see Bernie and wasn’t quite sure how to react.  
“Hello you,” Bernie replied with a polite smile.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I was invited,”   
Bernie was struck how beautiful the women in front of her still was. But something wasn’t quite right. She looked drained, exhausted, like she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time, something Bernie knew was unusual for Alex.   
They both milled around the army event, half keeping an eye on where the other one was and who they were talking to. Eventually Bernie made a move.  
Alex’s phone beeped in her bag. She excused herself and got it out to look at the message.  
“Can we talk? Bx”  
Alex scanned the room looking for Bernie but couldn’t instantly spot her. She returned to her conversation so as not to appear rude but made a mental note to go and look for her as soon as she could escape.

Bernie sat in the cool evening air staring up at the sky. There were virtually no stars visible even on this, a clear night in Holby. The light pollution from the street lights ruined the view. Bernie smiled as she instantly was drawn back to many an evening sat in the compound in Kabul staring up at the sky. She knew the stars were up there and how amazing they were when they got the chance to shine and that was enough.   
“I should have known I’d find you out here staring at the sky,” Alex’s voice suddenly appeared behind Bernie in the night air. “But the stars are so much better in Kabul.”  
“Funnily enough I was just thinking the same,” Bernie said as Alex sat down beside her.  
“The stars might not be out here but I still like the view,” Alex replied looking across at the blonde women beside her as she sat down. Bernie instantly smiled remembering Alex using the same words the night they shared their first kiss.  
“Oh Alex,” Bernie sighed wishing she could turn back time.  
Alex smiled knowing Bernie had got her reference to ‘that’ evening in the compound and for the first time since she had come back from Afghanistan she felt safe.

Bernie slid her hand down between them and slowly entwined her fingers with Alex’s. She wasn’t quite sure what reaction she would get. She was hoping Alex wouldn’t pull away, that she hadn’t moved on, but Bernie knew that that was a risk. She had hurt Alex in unforgivable ways and therefore had no claim over her or right to think she was waiting for her to be ready. But a woman can hope right?

Alex felt the warmth of another hand sliding into her own, their fingers interlocking automatically, and she was instantly reminded of all the feelings she had for Bernie, which she was desperately trying to suppress. But it was a hopeless cause. Alex had fallen in love with Bernie a long time ago and just pretending that she could switch all those feelings off was a joke. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes just absorbing the feeling of Bernie’s hand in her own. The softness of her skin, the gentleness of her touch, the sensation Bernie’s thumb created as it ran itself across the top of her palm.  
“I’m so sorry,” Bernie whispered as they sat there together.  
Alex opened her eyes and looked over at Bernie again. Despite her head screaming at her that this woman had hurt her, that she needed to protect her heart, that she couldn’t cope with being messed about or heartbroken again, Alex could see something genuine in Bernie eyes. The fear, confusion and hurt she saw in those eyes the last time she looked into them appeared to have gone. But instead there was sincerity and honesty staring back at her.  
“We need to talk,” Alex admitted “But right now all I want to do is this….”  
She leaned across and placed her own lips on Bernie’s and suddenly her entire world made sense again. In the following few minutes it felt like the whole world around them disappeared. It was just the two of them, nothing and no one else mattered, and much to Alex’s surprised Bernie wasn’t even concerned who might be watching. As they broke apart Bernie rested her forehead against Alex’s and said quietly,  
“Shall we get out of here?”  
“Yes please,” Alex instantly agreed.  
“Are you staying somewhere?” Bernie asked realising she had no idea where Alex was based any more.  
“No, I live locally, shall we go back to mine?” Alex revealed.  
Bernie just nodded, standing up with the younger woman their hands still interlinked. They had no interest into going back into the gathering they had been invited to, so instead found a side gate to the outside space they were in and escaped.

“Do you want a drink or anything?” Alex asked as they entered her small flat.  
“Would you think me old and boring if I said I’d love a cup of tea?”  
Alex smiled remembering Bernie’s love of a good cup of tea, “Never” she replied, flicking the kettle on.  
As they sat down on Alex’s sofa with a mug of tea each Bernie could see the doubt creeping back into Alex’s face.   
“You’re scared aren’t you? You’ve let your heart rule your head, you’ve let the feelings back in and yet you don’t know whether anything has changed since last time you saw me,” Bernie observed. Alex had forgotten that despite being a tough Army Major that Bernie could read her and how she was feeling even when she wasn’t sure herself.  
“Am I that readable?”  
“To me, yes.” There was a pause as the women looked at each other in silence.   
Alex smiled a weak, kind of embarrassed smile.  
“That day in Holby after you left, I went home and ended my marriage. I told Marcus that I wanted a divorce.” Alex looked up in surprise. “You walking away broke my heart and I realised just how much I had hurt you. And you were right. I needed to sort my life out. But I also knew that day exactly what I wanted and where I wanted to be. So I have spent the last few months trying to sort myself out so I can prove to you that it is you I want. That I am in love with you and that you can have every last bit of me…..if you still want that.”  
“You know I want you, I’ve always wanted you,” Alex grinned finally pleased Bernie felt brave enough.


End file.
